Desert. Sight.

[ker-zzt] Big Nose. Barney. [k-bzzt]

[chikkity] And. Malaprop Budsen. [chunk-chunk]





[chunk-chunk-chicka] Distance. [zzt] From Sandbowl. [chikkity]

[bzt] 3 miles. [chicka-chunk]

Farblachht. Molostros.

The keynote speech for this weekend's Symposium of Slaughter is delivered by our esteemed enfant terrible, fresh from the pits of Orthos and making a bloody impression on the Plains of Azunai with his trademark dual-pounders and mammoth sledge. Tonight he shares his refined techniques so feared and revered on the pockmarked killing fields. Harpies and gentleunmen, I give you


Farblachht Molostros!



Hh-hm.

Hello.

I AM FARBLACHHT!!!

Yes.

When approach enemy with speed and power, sometime target run. If run, follow, maybe increase stride.

If not run, engage immediate.

Grip weapon handle firm, believe in strength of hit as swing heavy object. Bone shatter usual upon impact, if perform right. Follow-through also important. Keep driving flow of pounder in wide arc with legs apart in balance stance.

If blood, tissue fly at armor, duck aside to preserve shine. If helm start to fall from head, bend body to keep aloft. Be sure gloves catch light, if there. Fight in subterranean tunnel? No concern. Stand polished boot near guttering torch and achieve best look. Keep elbow, knee loose, springy. Never stiffen pose.

When enemy drift apart in many chunk, look away or toward next enemy. Not linger gaze on flying flesh-segment, occasional bloody. Instead, move smooth to next position, force pounder strong. If need, scream death cry, maintain tempo.

Not loud, not low, just fine where scare new enemy or attract larger, fight-lusty opponent.

Face any or all with courage and valor. If bigger than, hit lower, soft area or pounce high to pound skull. Neck good for break, if can access. Not recommend tear spine from moist inner cavity: lack class, demonstrate poor style.

If smaller than, any advance okay. Mayhap leap and spin in circle, cross weapon in air, bring steady to helpless target. If slash from out in, separate enemy in half, quarter. Involve leg in manoevre also: dance foot and thigh like acrobat.

Remember: all attack fine, but show attention to form, appear. Choose weapon that match outfit. Coordinate color of evil glow with own skin tone. Select target for distributed innard pick up eye color, pop accessory. Never overpower. Stay control.

Yes.

And.

Take question from audience now.

Vampyric. Horse.

[k-chunk] When U saddle, I whole. [chikkity]

[zzzt] Before U, is nothing. [bzzt]

[zzt] Grip Ur legs, direct. [chicka-chicka] Together we one. [chunk-k-chunk] Between legs, power harness. Reduce I. Control. [chikkity chikkity chikkity] Ur right, rider. Make jump. Steer I. [zzt]

[chunk-chunk] If I balk, strike. Snap whip to rump. Drive Ur heels to flanks. [a-chicka-chicka-chicka] If I good, feed. Pet. [bzzt] Stroke long nose. Slap sides. Show I wanted. [chikkity]

[ker-thunk-thunk] Now. Mount pommel. Part of I. [bzzzt] Rest Ur center on. Feel rumble. Steady, steady. [a-chicka-chicka-chicka] I thud hooves. Roll back. Tense muscle. [zzt] Vibrate steady. [zt]

[chikkity] Now. Give Ur essence. Feel juice drain down. [bzzt-chunk-chunk] I drink deep, master. [chikkity chunk-chunk] I not empty U. Enough for all days. [bzz-zzt] This union. [chunk-chicka]

[zzz] The coupling. [tzz]

[ker-chunk] U ride. I suck. [chikkity chikkity chikkity]

[chicka-chicka] Give Ur energy, give U obedience. [chunk-chunk]

[chikkity] Fast and true. [a-chicka]

[tzzz-zzt] All days. [clunk]

Night. Monkey.

What up, y'all?

Night Monkey here for a few ticks o' the clock befo' the sun come up and I go poof like a big cloud o' fairy dust.

Not that I'm no fairy. Oh no.

But I got somethin' in common wit' the one you sacrificed yo teeth to back when you all little n' such. I seen her do her thing! Usual I look up her skirt while she bent over fetchin' yo bloody, plucked off castaway bones, no need for 'em no more.

Yea.

I'm the one sits at the end of yo bed all night long, watchin' you snore n' toss n' turn n' best of all, dream them nightmares I so enjoy puttin' in yo head.

The sandman ain't no match for Night Monkey when it come time to slide a few coiled-up monstrosities in through the ear that ain't pressed 'gainst yo pillow. Yea, just roll 'em up tight and feed them burners right down in there like the worms they are.

Then sit back, pull some snack from my bloodsack (roadkill, most often), and set to munchin' while you unspool an evenin's worth of chiaroscuro ennertainment for yo's truly. Tell the truth, that stuff fill me up and keep me goin' way better than the dead critters I be pullin' 'part with my fangs and swallowin' in my gullet.

Yea, just perch n' eat and watch them head-worms burrow them nests in the fertile soil o' yo brain, mofo. Watch ever' bit o' their waste-trails they leave, spiraling up inna air over yo sleepin' head: the psycho chasin' you wit' his knife, the mistress dancin' nekkid when yo spouse ain' watchin', the great dark slippery fuzzy thing you don't dare look too close at lest you turn inna stone or worse more, right inna that thing itself.

'Cause hey, mofo - is you is all it is, wormin' in yo head.

And me.

Yo nightly apparition...is my nutrition.

So even tho' I gotta go now, 'member good my loved ones: I be back nesting 'mong your feet agin' tonight, crammin' my evenin' ennertainment in through yo ear (or both, if you dumb enough to sleep on yo back or stomach, y'all).

Then you be playin' the horro' sho' fo' yo daddy all night long.

See you when you close yo eyes, sweet'um.

Your. Rulers.

Acolytes of Orthos, let us begin this momentous week in the new reign of Lord Blooddyke with a triad of important introductions.

As the Great Orthos made me, so too did he raise from the percolating mire these pillars of the Blood Caverns community. I demand you greet them as your rightful masters, immerse their teachings deep within your viscera, and follow in their sopping foot, tentacle, and hoof prints across the endless days ahead.

The coming seven-day cycle of celebration and vile ritual will focus on the brute gathering of your needy kind into the slime-drenched arms of my trinity. Each ruler will have an opportunity to pass on a homily and convey their worst wishes.

Should you not accept their ungainly intrusion into your barren soul, there will be consequences resulting in the destruction of your most cherished memories.

Which you should be prepared to relinquish in our service, regardless. But enough further ado.

Teething brood, I give you...




The Night Monkey.





The Mega-Nega.





And your Vampyric Horse.

In Its Honor

My dear friend Dave has fallen ill, unquestionably due to the influence of this entity in his life:



Rising from a deep, reddening, swooshing and tingling fever, he mustered the energy to demand from me a description of the Blood Caverns of Orthos. I knew the words came from my friend's lips, but the command was clearly the will of this creature:



Mind you, I have no knowledge of a "Blood Caverns of Orthos", so I was a little puzzled my friend was asking this of me.

Still, within moments of the request's implications reaching the edges of my inner soul, the answer was there - twitching and hairy somewhere deep inside me. Unbidden, my fingers poised over the necessary keys and I began to type.

Malaprop Budsen trod beneath the yawning maw of the Blood Caverns of Orthos, his somewhat passable Adventurers' Sandals™ sinking immediately into a foot-deep mire of ground bones and seeping viscera, the mulched leavings of those foolhardy enough to attempt earlier excursions here.

The Filth Tube is pleased.

And now we are both in grave danger.