Blorthos Resolves

I am Blorthos Malamakk. You are not. So, I tell you how fix.

Your life bad? No concern. Interworld scroll-reader, time for make resolvings in fresh year. Blorthos suggest many, do some. If fail, prepare for dying.

1) Sometime, let enemy live.
Not always necessary rip bowel and brain from attacking opponent. Maybe remove jaw, cripple one leg not two. Even break part of paw, remove biggest claw not other. All better than total end. Beast have chance think on poor choice, embark new livings. World improve? Wait, see.

2) Not keep every loot.
Stupid think backpack have not bottom. When item obvious not fit, like small Terrible Cauldron, pass magical lady, say what is? or even keep, wench. Make magics in useless bucket, give strength Blorthos. Or name you, not Blorthos. Scroll-reader probably weaker anyway.

2) Practice new skill.
Blorthos know. Make musical sound with mouth, say many word in tavern, strum Taugrim-gut device produce melody noises much tiresome, yes. But. If look at different, maybe bard not deserve swift kill. Instead let teach dumb tool of harmonizings, try self. Could help eat, drink no gold lost.

3) Let deer graze peaceful.
Many year pass Blorthos kill each deer seen on forest land. Four-leg stand still seem say, come all, thrust sharp pike in fur, great depth achieved, red fountain spray out other side. Ahhh. Yes, though. Deer only want grass in belly, not effective weapon throw well and hard. Consider slowly.

4) Wear good hat.
No item begin fresh year better than careful choosing proper head vessel. Blorthos now recommend comfort instead frequent impalement option. Antler-stylings for year last, much past. Farblachht agree. All should put soft Vulk-hide foldings on top horn, skull ridgings. Could add feather. Look!




Hope stay alive for year again,

Blorthos Arrives

Enough. Blorthos venture far, leave mostly female cousin stay, protect Sandbowl from Tube invade. And why? No reason good. Sandbowl empty, blog owner Reese gone. Not update for century, feel. Why guard empty bowl? What protect? Nothing! All yes.

Blog owner Reese only work long story, much bad, join interworld social clan, waste hundred month stupid romance reason. No blog make, no comment come. Lord Blooddyke not even interest overthrow. Truth tellings, Blorthos think rejoin Blood Cavern, no more good guy.

But not. Conscience attack. And again.

And...win, enough time pass. No go back from good guy place.

Now Blorthos arrive, save interworld. Blog continue. Blorthos say, curse Reese. Forget. Never return? Good okay.

Blorthos take over blog, make right posting.

Yes,


Other note: Golden Compass not even good movie.

Blorthos Reviews

I am Blorthos Malamakk. You are not. So, I tell you what good.

Time of year now done when famous human win prize for making movie other famous human like. Unfamous human talk winner of prize for hundred month still after. Finally shut up. Now Blorthos say what movie real best from year gone. Some reservation, most fine. Listen much, or could die.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST



Too many human in movie. Human talking everywhere. All time take away from true hero, sea-lord Dave Jone. See great beast caress organ key with tentacle sucker, heart near split asunder. Perform great emotion Jone, but even more Kraken display fine boat-crush skill, human-slaughter also. And! Many my cousin appear on Jone boat, crew extra. Hello!

RATING: 2 CUTLASS

SILENT HILL



This art movie, maybe Farblachht like better. Still, close friend Pyramid Head make decent showing, rip total skin off human cultist. Ash-baby too cute for real scare effect. Mostly human finish all job start by better actor. Tear witch between leg with barb wire, should do by zombie nurse. Or let toilet demon beat police-girl to die with metal pipe.

RATING: 2 DAGGER, 1 SWORD

SLITHER



Blorthos not big fan romance laughter, but make exception for touching movie. Nice space squid land on Earth, only want make life with okay female accept every difference. No. Low-education human must start kill all squid race, no regard love among specie. Young human solve mystery, all hero die. Pah. Maybe more tragic story, romance doom ever. Still good.

RATING: 3 RIFLE

THE DESCENT



Ah! Now getting good. Stupid human deserve punish for cave home invasion, no invite. And get punish! Many fine actor pull innard from rude tunnel-crawler, but save worse for last, let kill over dumb romance reason. Accent human make best version revenge, cold human in north see too. Warmonger south human get soft easy ending, how make sense?

RATING: 4 GRAPPLE HOOK

THE HOST



And. Best movie of year. Beautiful superstar arrive east human river, make nest, stock underground cupboard wise for cold. Some food small enough and escape, but too late. HAHA! Human family hunt shining creature, not too bad. If only beast have family with also, then fair fight. But! Sad ending even give hope, many human dead for kill great talent.

RATING: 5 BOW AND ARROW

See good movie,

Big. Nose.

[k-zzzt] Yeeehaa!!! [k-thunk]

[chikkity] I gots meself a new horsie, Lordy Blooddyke! [chunk]

[zzt] He sure is shiny. And fast. And knows him way home. [k-bzt]

[a-chicka] We sure is comin', all right. [k-chikkity]

[zzt] And guess who else? Do ye see what I'um see? [ker-thunk]





[chickazzt] Yes sirree! Blorthos and Farblachht! [bzzt]

[zzz] We'll be wit ye soon! [chikkizzzt]

Farblachht. Molostros.

The keynote speech for this weekend's Symposium of Slaughter is delivered by our esteemed enfant terrible, fresh from the pits of Orthos and making a bloody impression on the Plains of Azunai with his trademark dual-pounders and mammoth sledge. Tonight he shares his refined techniques so feared and revered on the pockmarked killing fields. Harpies and gentleunmen, I give you


Farblachht Molostros!



Hh-hm.

Hello.

I AM FARBLACHHT!!!

Yes.

When approach enemy with speed and power, sometime target run. If run, follow, maybe increase stride.

If not run, engage immediate.

Grip weapon handle firm, believe in strength of hit as swing heavy object. Bone shatter usual upon impact, if perform right. Follow-through also important. Keep driving flow of pounder in wide arc with legs apart in balance stance.

If blood, tissue fly at armor, duck aside to preserve shine. If helm start to fall from head, bend body to keep aloft. Be sure gloves catch light, if there. Fight in subterranean tunnel? No concern. Stand polished boot near guttering torch and achieve best look. Keep elbow, knee loose, springy. Never stiffen pose.

When enemy drift apart in many chunk, look away or toward next enemy. Not linger gaze on flying flesh-segment, occasional bloody. Instead, move smooth to next position, force pounder strong. If need, scream death cry, maintain tempo.

Not loud, not low, just fine where scare new enemy or attract larger, fight-lusty opponent.

Face any or all with courage and valor. If bigger than, hit lower, soft area or pounce high to pound skull. Neck good for break, if can access. Not recommend tear spine from moist inner cavity: lack class, demonstrate poor style.

If smaller than, any advance okay. Mayhap leap and spin in circle, cross weapon in air, bring steady to helpless target. If slash from out in, separate enemy in half, quarter. Involve leg in manoevre also: dance foot and thigh like acrobat.

Remember: all attack fine, but show attention to form, appear. Choose weapon that match outfit. Coordinate color of evil glow with own skin tone. Select target for distributed innard pick up eye color, pop accessory. Never overpower. Stay control.

Yes.

And.

Take question from audience now.

Blorthos Recommends

I am Blorthos Malamakk. You are not. So, I tell you what to buy.

Time of season come when you get thing for who not kill you.

Must get good thing, or should die.

Look close, see answer. Sing along if want.

Cousin Farblachht, pretty young one of family, model thing today.

First Day Christmas

Puny Hammer of Laughable Damage



Poky Knife of Silly Puncture



These thing waste of gold but good for child, maybe woman. Put in stocking for joke. Even pretty Farblachht not make look good.



Two Day Christmas

Stylish Dagger of Attractive Slaughter



Studded Mace of Sudden Whompage



Blorthos fell many Morden-Urg with set. All hit to ugly face and stinking body produce strong thud, good destruction of enemy. Cousin Farblachht like also.



Christmas Third One

Questionable Blade of Fluttery Slapping



Stupid sword look like fish. Still, kill easy most Ha'Ku, some Vulk.



Four Days Christmas

Generic Sword of Reliable Slashing



Your grandpa wield this stick, drop most ancient Bracken Defender, Boarbeast. Collectible, get two and maybe match well-dress cousin.



Five Christmases

Spiked Pounder of Certain Mangling



Put dent or hole in enemy fast, sometime see inside tunnel open spill. Good, recommend. HAHA look how small Farblachht look! He need two Pounder even graze Maltratar or Sand Reaper, never mind angry Kragen! HAHA!



Christmas Six

Serrated Paddle of Hesitant Reaming



What? More fish sword? Stupid, think. And right. But give shiny color, so fashion prince cousin like. Oh, I make him mad now! Want unleash rage on frozen enemy! HAHA, not hit me Farblachht, I on internet tube serie!



Christmas Time Seven

Horned Club of Sociable Battery



If attend special holiday banquet where give gift back forth, not do worse than two decorative club Farblachht like so much he rest on slumber mound with. Be talk of party, then slay quick all Thrusk, Scrub Boar, even Rotten Twisted Shail.



Eight Day

Legendary Pike of Absolute Wreckage



Name all. Jabbing Tharva. Tacklak Basher. Kurgan. Outcast Vasp. Sangor, Thrine, Naldrun. Lertisk, Flaypick, Durvla. Klask! BRALL!!! Not matter, any. All die if face Legendary Pike. Much gold, great honor. Why poor Farblachht look so sad? He not like backdrop. Pout lip like baby.



Somehow, this better. Now Farblachht pose with power.



Ten of Christmas

Piledriving Axe of Great Death



Stuff getting good. Blorthos stand behind recommend Piledriving Axe for dispatch Gorgak, Adolescent Taugrim mostly. Farblachht say Plagued Larvax, Boggrot too. Not agree, though if hit Kurtle or Skitter hard enough, explode like festive ornament. Weapon easy for wrap also, person never guess.



Christmas to Eleven

Dual Katana of Frenzied Dismemberment



Hurry fast and now. Katana fly off shelf. Many close relative sure be dead by daybreak when happy gift owner joyful fling about effective weapon. Cousin Farblachht so happy model glowing sword, he on top Christmas world!



Twelfth

Mammoth Sledge of Swift Flattening



Younger, prettier cousin get open portal to good vacation destination, no gold taken. Why not Blorthos deserve? Make whole post for human blog site, take long! No reward, not even health potion. Here stupid Farblachht model best Christmas weapon, Mammoth Sledge. It kill very good if any enemy near, but on island, nothing. So Blorthos recommend Farblachht hit self hard and again until make hit points zero, need magical lady for revive. Merry celebration.



Enough,