Thou Shalt Kick Ass

Look: one intention of the Bible, if I have it right, is to evolve a peaceful, pious, selfless and self-sacrificing civilization of Meek folk to inherit the Earth.

That said, the ratio of ass-kicking to cheek-turning in the Good Book is rather high.

The irreverent folks at Adult Swim recognize this truth, and now blare it from on high. I give you their blasphemous creation, and simultaneously ask forgiveness:

BIBLE FIGHT

My only complaint so far: you don't get to beat the crap outta Judas. Maybe he's a secret character to be unlocked at a later stage. And I'm already hoping for sequels where you get to clobber important figures from other faiths!

Go in peace, geek brethren. (And apologies to any of my Christian friends who may find this offensive. I'm actually really curious to see what Gordon thinks...)

Blorthos Reviews

I am Blorthos Malamakk. You are not. So, I tell you what good.

Time of year now done when famous human win prize for making movie other famous human like. Unfamous human talk winner of prize for hundred month still after. Finally shut up. Now Blorthos say what movie real best from year gone. Some reservation, most fine. Listen much, or could die.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST



Too many human in movie. Human talking everywhere. All time take away from true hero, sea-lord Dave Jone. See great beast caress organ key with tentacle sucker, heart near split asunder. Perform great emotion Jone, but even more Kraken display fine boat-crush skill, human-slaughter also. And! Many my cousin appear on Jone boat, crew extra. Hello!

RATING: 2 CUTLASS

SILENT HILL



This art movie, maybe Farblachht like better. Still, close friend Pyramid Head make decent showing, rip total skin off human cultist. Ash-baby too cute for real scare effect. Mostly human finish all job start by better actor. Tear witch between leg with barb wire, should do by zombie nurse. Or let toilet demon beat police-girl to die with metal pipe.

RATING: 2 DAGGER, 1 SWORD

SLITHER



Blorthos not big fan romance laughter, but make exception for touching movie. Nice space squid land on Earth, only want make life with okay female accept every difference. No. Low-education human must start kill all squid race, no regard love among specie. Young human solve mystery, all hero die. Pah. Maybe more tragic story, romance doom ever. Still good.

RATING: 3 RIFLE

THE DESCENT



Ah! Now getting good. Stupid human deserve punish for cave home invasion, no invite. And get punish! Many fine actor pull innard from rude tunnel-crawler, but save worse for last, let kill over dumb romance reason. Accent human make best version revenge, cold human in north see too. Warmonger south human get soft easy ending, how make sense?

RATING: 4 GRAPPLE HOOK

THE HOST



And. Best movie of year. Beautiful superstar arrive east human river, make nest, stock underground cupboard wise for cold. Some food small enough and escape, but too late. HAHA! Human family hunt shining creature, not too bad. If only beast have family with also, then fair fight. But! Sad ending even give hope, many human dead for kill great talent.

RATING: 5 BOW AND ARROW

See good movie,

2 Birds, 1 Stone

If there's anything I love more than computers, it's monsters.

Alas, their respective fatal flaws will be the end of them both.

Demonstration courtesy of Messrs. Henson and Oz:



(And thanks to Reid for the link!)