Head Like A Hat

Howdy, pardners.

Where'd we leaver off, now?

Oh, yessum.

Big Nose Barney done gone sittin' inna desert.

He be sittin' dere longertime, but not so long as ye'd notice. 'Less ye were lookin'.

Only one person lookin', mind. Ain't no person, neither.

It be Barney's horse.

Now, mosta da time, dat horse done cropper sand - no grass bein' round fer tha munchin'. And sand suit it jest fine. So it keepa onner croppin', waitin' onner Barney's command, if it ever goan come. But Barney jest sit, all quiet-like, makin' noner sound t'all.

Inner dat simple equine head a' it's, dat dere horse ponder a spell or two on why they sittin' dere doin' nuthin. Dere were a quest, weren't it? Lookin' fer some perty blonder lady wit da greener eyes, who be lookin' fer a Magic Cactus. Or lookin' fer some meaner feller wit tha fancy car could drive 'em all ta tha Cactus, he wantin' it too, all fierce-like. Dat maker tha horse mad, seein' as it coulda clomper alla way ta tha Cactus right good, no car needed and thankee ver' much. But no matter. Never happened.

Nuthin' happen.

Ye might be wond'rin why in tarnation I sayin' all dese things ta ye, and rightly so. It be a sadder lil' scene, Barney sittin' dere thinkin' onner sumpin', tha horse waitin' on 'is master, and nuthin' much worth sayin' t'all. Not sure why I'm even tellin' ye.

And tha horse? Jest puzzlin' on this here sitcheration done makin' him header hurt. Keep on croppin' grass, him mind say ta him. 'Cept it weren't grass, a'course. It were sand.

But I tell ye that already.

"Horse," sayer Barney, finerly.

This be the first thing he say in sommer weeks, I gotta letter ye know. Coulda even be months at the rate dat dere horse almost crop a hole through ter China in tha desert sands.

But by golly, them horse ears went up, and that horse done raise him ole cross-eyes to sorta stare at hisser master. Truth be told, he be lookin' mostly to the left. But still.

Barney took 'imself a longertime respondin'. And when 'e did, this is what 'e say:

"Good ole Elbows McGee. He hadda song. I'ma gonner sing it."

At this, dem horse ears perk up ta tha sky! Dat horse done lover it sommer singin'.

"Ye 'member Elbows, horse. He done player tha spoons, and tha squeezebox too."

Tha horse din't unnerstand a word Barney's sayin', but he nod jest the same. If a song comin', he woulder nod 'til his header faller off.

So by n' by, asser night turner inta day and backer agin, they start ta singin'. Now, Elbows McGee done gone known for hisser epic poem-like singerlongs. But 'cuz I know how y'all modern folk be likin' tha faster stuff, I'ma cutter here ta tha best parts n'all.

Here'sa whatter they sang:

When yer lookin' far n' wide
Don' ferget yerself at home
No matter what longer tracks ye ride
And distant lands ye gonna roam
There be a hat ye oughter keeper on
Tha one ye wore when ye were born
It be tha nekkid hat o' yer own skin
From yer mommy daddy shorn
Sommertimes ye wanna doff it
Th'only hat ye truly own
Put onna diff'rent hair n'all
Wear it cut 'r combed 'r blown
But unnerneath, dere ain't no changin'
What ye always shoulder known
Dat hat be yer own head, boy
And it be comin' where yer goan

Yer head be like a hat, yessirree, yessirree
Yer head be like a hat, it done be, it done be
Yer head be like a hat, whinny whinny, whinny whinny
Yer head be yer own hat, take it ferm me, ferm me

Now, a hat issa important thang
Don' unnerestimate its wearin'
It canna keep tha hurtin' sun
Outter your eyes when it be glarin'
Or holder back tha force a' nature
When tha heavens they be sharin'
Them thunderstorms 'n snowy flakes
Could setter back a traveler farin'
Fer a spot half near 'cross the world
Or back home where skies be clearin'
Ta tip brims at fetchin' lassies
Hide yer eyes if ye ain't darin'
It be a gift up dere on toppa ye!
Ain't no heavy load fer bearin'
Yer head be yer best friend, boy
Time'a fer it ye start carin'

Yer head be like a hat, it be true, so true
Yer head be like a hat, made jest fer you, 'n you!
Yer head be like a hat, keep it brand new, like new
Yer head be yer own hat, not a shoe, nope, no shoe

So yer crop died on ye right fast
Ye're tha pity o' tha town
Or yer lady take her leave o' ye
While in dat weddin' gown
Mebbe some'un stole yer pigs
Or yer cow o' great renown
Mayhap nasty kid'uns
Wreck dat field dat ye be plowin'.
But feller, best take heart fer
What ye ain't lost this time 'round
Cuz God give it ta ye first
Ye keep it 'til yer in tha ground
It sure done look tha best on ye
This be what I always found
Jest keep wearin' dat dang hat, boy
It aim ta never let ye down

Yer head be like a hat, wit' a face, yer face
Yer head be like a hat, yer saving grace, oh grace
Yer head be like a hat, it set the pace, decent pace
Yer head be yer own hat, keep it in place, a special place

Oh, they gone singer inter many a'night, Barney croonin' hisser best and tha horse done whinnyin' along like he know how. Before a fortnight past, they be sittin' right next ta each other, roastin' them'a hotter dogs and marshermallers jest like usual. And sharin' themmer potater chips, salt n' vinegar, commer mornin'.

It be a jamboree fer 'membrin.

And then, pardners, at longer last, they done stop wit' dere singin'. Barney git all quiet agin, but not fer a longertime, thisser time. Finerly, he stander up and sayer ta him faithful compan'un:

"Me Agnes ain't me Agnes no more. Never were."

Tha horse put hisser equine mind ta makin' sommer sense'a that. Thinkin' mebbe this here Agnes were dat perty blonder lady wit' tha greener eyes? Yea, mebbe.

"Dat El Grapos may not liker me nose, but he ain't gonner find tha Magic Cactus neither. I jest know it."

'N this were dat meaner feller wit' tha car instead'a fine horse ta serve 'im well. Yea.

"I done lost me hat fer a bit."

Tha horse looker 'round some - not ver' well, mind ye - and din't see none hat. Not even on Barney's noggin, and if 'e found tha dang thang, weren't it be upper there? Gee.

"But that be over now," Barney say. And: "Let's goan home."

Ahh, n'more myst'ries. Horse unnerstand dat one jest fine.

So he leaver off his'a croppin', put hisser mind to a'clomperin', and feelin' better fer tha first time inna longertime, he walker 'longside hisser master.

Alla way home.