Mini Nerd

For some reason, whenever I travel somewhere, I become fascinated with the public signage of that particular locale. It's all the more ridiculous because I pay little attention, if any, to the signs where I live. Somehow, being removed from my everyday milieu makes me more sensitive to how people signify elsewhere.

I imagine these foreigners' own everyday milieus are just as rote and undistracting to them as mine are to me, but seriously...check some of these out. I mean, come on!

PART I - OF COMMERCE

Let's start with a classic.

Apparently there's a Krispy Kreme dispensary where I live, but I've never been there. And I think it's better to view exotic creatures in their natural habitat. Therefore:

How could anyone take this next establishment for granted? How could they calmly drive into its parking lot and choose a space and get out of their car and perhaps select a cart and wheel it into this extraordinary building called FOOD LION without marveling at the singular absurdity of that name?! How, I ask you?

Do you think there is a chain and somewhere, a FOOD ZEBRA?!

Next up, we have an establishment I would frequent often, were I physically located in the city it graces. I like it when a store's name captures exactly the spirit of the product it purveys. Because - I don't know about you, but my wine experience, when activated, is most certainly TOTAL. No PARTIAL WINE for me.

I grew up eating groceries from a place called Zehrs and came to accept it as status quo, but I don't think I could walk under this sign every week to collect my edibles without breaking into hysterics at the poor namesake's John Henry.

Or rather, HARRIS TEETER:

These folks want to make sure they slam the point home as explicitly as possible so you know for sure, this place is a 24-Hour Waffle and Pancake House and by damn, it's open 24 hours, 7 days a week. Make no mistake, mister. I didn't.

This place is probably my favorite. Like its predecessors, it gets right to the point, and it's thematically appropriate too. But note the visual symbolism! The marquee below the establishment name is completely EMPTY, signifying that you can take these guys at their word. Their storage is AMPLE, nothing like the cramped quarters offered by that two-bit joint INSUFFICIENT STORAGE.

You recall me getting all excited about stores that showcase their wares clearly in their titles? Well, this one takes the cake. I'm not even sure it actually has A NAME. But it sure as heck has products for sale, and you're gonna know about it, buddy, long before you step through the door.

This one I snapped from Mike's car window at high speeds as we motored swiftly away from it in search of the sister (or brother, I should say) store, INTENSE MALE MINI.

Lastly in our opening category, we have an establishment that to you may seem unremarkable and not worthy of inclusion with these other giants of retail signage. I beg to differ. This sign amused me most. Certain of you will understand why.

Others will hopefully move on to the next section!

PART II - OF CATTLE

The fine establishment called Angus Barn was where I had my last dinner when visiting with my friends Down South. And it deserves its own category. Firstly, here's the impossible-to-ignore call-to-action seen from streetside:

You KNOW we were going in.

And once inside, here's what we found:

Sounds like my kinda digs. And the EXIT's right there, so it's only a quick lurch to alleyway for taking care of business when the Wild Turkey quotient surpasses the settled stomach quotient and it's time to be thankful for what's out of you.

Plus, don't forget this important public service announcement on your way outta the Angus Barn parking lot (which I INSIST to you is a full city block; I am NOT kidding, the restaurant itself could be zoned as a neighborhood). Speaking for myself, seeing these garish wooden flowers in the full wash of lambent headlights was enough to tempt me to the brink of psychosis.

PART III - OF CLERGY

These require no smartass commentary from me.

I can't possibly top them.

Well, that last one could do with an explanation. But don't look at me! Visit their website! The URL is right there, I dare you...

PART IV - OF CORNBALL

If you're like me, you have a problem with personalized license plates. I won't go on at length, in case you're someone who swears by them, but honestly, some of these personalizers should just simmer down and accept their fates as faceless jumbles of letters and numbers like the rest of us hoi-polloi. Cases in point:

Oh, really. You insufferable jerk.

And my pain.

What the living hell.

I'm forgiving this one, but only just.

PART V - OF CURIOSITY

I'll finish off with the stuff that doesn't really fit any one category but caught my eye nonetheless.